No, killing your partner is not love

No, killing your partner is not love

Love is meeting the needs of another despite your own. Killing your partner and family is not love.

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On NRK Morning News on Tuesday 26 March, Vibeke Ottesen, a homicide researcher and criminologist with a PhD in homicide in close relationships, said: “We know from research that men are vulnerable when their partner leaves them or loses their ability to provide support. “Parents feel great love, responsibility, and the need to provide protection for their children.

“(…) Then the person can choose to take it with him upon death,” the researcher says. Here I hear a horrific description of the killing of one's partner and family as an act of love and care for others.

When asked what society can do about this problem, the researcher says we need to normalize this so that those who have such thoughts can talk about it. But is this a justified reason? Is this what the research leads us to? Academically, it is completely wrong to consider killing one's partner to be an act of love. Most theories point to a loss of control. Psychological attachment theories show that vulnerability such as loss of power and rejection can be viewed as trauma that leads to dysfunctional personality development if left untreated.

Trauma, by definition, is not a bad thing that itself has happened. But the feelings that come from the situation are not processed and remain stored in the person. In the event of rejection and loss of control after many years in an extreme situation, these violent feelings can emerge. They then become unrecognizably violent to the point where the person does not know them, is unable to communicate with them and must behave just as violently, and therefore often aggressively, in order to gain control of their lives.

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Men act out violently toward others, while women often act out internally and harm themselves.

Love is meeting the needs of another despite your own. Partner and family murders are not love, but extreme acts of aggression to save oneself.

Siri Thursland
Psychological social sciences
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Dalila Awolowo

Dalila Awolowo

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