Three years ago, the mother of psychologist Peter Cajos (56) fell seriously ill. This was in the era of strict corona restrictions, and opportunities to meet were few and far between. Kjøs wanted to talk to her more when she was sick, but it didn’t happen that way. He rarely called.
He says that when his mother died, he realized that he had been on his mind all his life, and he sums it up in his upcoming book: “But mom, somehow we didn’t really get close, we “.
That insight made the psychologist want to know why the relationship went so far. And in “You Can Get Better,” Cajos shows how he himself untangled the knots in the thread between mother and son.
– This is a self-help book. “My mother died and I felt like a bad son when she was sick,” Kjos says when meeting Dagbladet in a cafe in his home neighborhood of Oslo.
Become your own therapist
Peder Kjøs is known for providing insight into psychic visits through TV series such as “Jeg mot meg” and podcasts such as “Hos Peder”. He shares special knowledge as a guest on KK, VG and various shows. However, her latest book is written to encourage the reader to do the work of healing themselves.
– Going to a therapist isn’t like going under anesthesia, the job is done when you wake up. You use a therapist, but he’s not the one to fix you. The customer always makes the most important contribution. I wanted to find out what that contribution is and what you can do yourself at home, Kjøs says before summarizing.
– Therapy is working on oneself, better now because there are long queues to see a psychologist.
– So you think the therapist is unnecessary – many colleagues are not motivated by this?
– There are different viewpoints on this. Some people think therapists matter, and a lot of research shows that there’s a difference between good ones and bad ones. But good things sometimes have bad consequences and bad things have good ones. It can say a lot about individual effort and what is going on in the client’s life.
The 56-year-old poses for the interview in a relaxed style in a hooded jacket, T-shirt and trainers. The good news is that treatment doesn’t have to be so formal either.
– Work can be done in different ways. Some use their diary, others use their priest or dog. People use everything. That’s what I want to show.
According to Kjøs, the most important thing to get better is to understand why you feel something is a problem.
– When people have a problem, they often bring up explanations they’ve given before. But in therapy we go deeper into the descriptions and find out what they really mean. We use questions like: Then how? In which way?
Kjøs believes you can ask yourself these questions, and his treatment regimen is as follows:
1. Take your problem and yourself seriously. Don’t rush it, or think you’re stupid for feeling that way. See yourself as an actor in the situation.
2. Continue the problem. What is it really about? Well, it may be true that the situation is stupid, difficult or confusing, but what to do about it?
3. To create a change, do something completely practical or emotional from what you usually do.
Helps to write
Kjøs recommends that people write down their reflections.
– Writing is a way to organize and clarify your mind. When you write properly, you can ask yourself: What am I feeling and thinking? What do I really mean? And then restructuring and restructuring.
But the process is demanding, he adds.
– The three points are a brief summary of the entire book and the entire psychology course. It is an exaggerated and difficult form where you can easily fall all over the place. But if you want to get better, you have to take the problem seriously and figure out how you can take responsibility. Then you have to move past it to make room for something else. This applies to everything from eating disorders and work relationships to the habits you have.
Gjos shakes his ponytail.
– It is hard and continuous work. It can be very tiring for those who do it. But it is useful to remember that no one is happy all the time. Everyone struggles, everyone has conflicts. But some find good compromises between opposites.
“I have always had a tendency to become depressed and withdraw into myself without being able to point to any clear reason,” writes Peder Kjøs in his forthcoming book.
The experienced psychologist discovered that he had many conflicting feelings when he began writing down his thoughts about his relationship with his mother.
– I can call for ten minutes every day, and I think I should. But, I didn’t. I had to go what the hell was bothering me to pick up the phone. Was it because I was stupid or selfish, he asks himself before answering:
– When we do nothing, it is because we have so many conflicting impulses. It was hard for me to call because when I called it was clear that we were not that close of a relationship. I don’t want to know how close we are. When you do nothing, you need to figure out what you’re trying to avoid.
Gjos believes that he and his mother were separated when he moved from his hometown of Srpsborg to study psychology in Oslo. He says that their lives are so different, before he concludes that maybe they’ve always been different.
– I always felt a little strange, not really strange, but for my mother I was not so easy to understand. It was hard to figure it out because my parents were happy with me, proud of me and loved me. I have always felt loved too. But I have experienced true soulmate-like community only with my wife and a few close friends, he adds:
– I have always felt that I did not believe that I was understandable or understandable.
Never made it to the finish line
One of the reasons Kjøs began studying psychology was to understand himself. He is still working on it, admits at 56, but after analyzing himself he feels better.
– Therapy is often about understanding the fact that things turned out the way they did, that someone did nothing, or did something wrong. Then you have to try to move and change, often with another person. But if someone dies, you have to fix it yourself, he says.
– I got better myself. But never made it to the finish line with my mom, which I think is a real shame. But I realized that I could not do differently.
Fear of being alone
Kjøs has previously said that she is always afraid of feeling alone. The psychologist believes that being close to others is a prerequisite for feeling good.
– When things get difficult and difficult, you get stuck in your own knots and struggle with them. You have to figure out how to sabotage yourself. If you’re someone who thinks everyone makes mistakes all the time, it’s probably you.
Kjøs rushes past people.
– Suffering makes you self-sufficient. So to excel, try to divert your attention to others. Good people care about others. To feel good, you need to connect with others you love.
Another important ingredient in the recipe for feeling good is accepting faults in oneself and others, the psychologist believes.
– Many people say that in order to love others you have to love yourself. I think the opposite is true. If you truly love others despite their flaws and faults, it’s easy to accept your own faults.
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